The Tap Dance

Hamilton's is a strange bar.  It's one of those bars that defies classification.  Not quite a dive bar (too big, too bright), not quite a college bar (not big enough and they check ID's), not a sports bar (the actual bar isn't big enough and TV's not prominent enough) and definitely not a lounge.  It is also in a downright strange location, nestled next to the HUD headquarters in an area between Judiciary Square and Capitol Hill.  So why is this place crowded on a Saturday afternoon?

The tap dance.

Americans love a good drinking contest.  I mean let's be honest, we love any opportunity to show our individual dominance in any area of life, and if you add drinking to the mix, well that's just the tops. 

The Tap Dance sounds deceptively easy.  The rules: drink one pint of beer from each of the bar's 10 taps, in order, in under three hours for a price of $35.  If you complete this successfully, you get a t-shirt.  If I had been designing the shirt it would have said "I had to endure a 2 day hangover because of the tap dance and all I got was this stupid t-shirt", but alas, I'm not the tshirt designer.  If you vomit, you have to be an extra 20$ clean up fee.

So my first introduction to the TD was at a birthday party that was attended by a few bartenders, who were taking on the challenge.  Three beers in and they were sipping water and slowing down.  What the hell?  I laugh at this challenge, and I scoff at you for not being able to do laps around it.

Several months later, I took it on myself one afternoon with a friend.  The first thing you have to know about the TD, is that most everyone else at the bar on a weekend is doing the same thing.  The second thing you have to know, is that very few other people in this world can hold their liquor as well as you can (the "you" being particular to YOU, fair reader, for we do not annoy ourselves when drinking, right?).  In other words, prepare for amateurs and the antics therein.  Thirdly, I would HIGHLY recommend not drinking at lunch earlier in the day, as I had (oh back off, it was a Saturday [ok that was purely a happy coincidence]).

Those little fuckers at Hamiltons start you off with the light beers, the easy stuff.  10 miller lites?  No problem. But not being totally stupid, we order food (they have tater tots, being the perfect food for this challenge). Around beer 4, something strange happens.  I start to get drunk.  If you even a casual reader of this blog, you realize that 4 beers is not normally a problem for me.  By beer 6 I'm starting to eye the remaining taps with concern.  What is happening to me?  Can the beer change every glass really have this big of an effect, and if so, why didn't I add more variety a long time ago? 

Clipper City Loose Cannon, I hate you.  You are beer number 9.  You are a thick IPA, bitter as can be, high ABV, and you are kicking my ass.  I consider resigning, except that I have a certain reputation to maintain with the friend I am there with.  I gulp water.  I eat tater tots.  I slow down.  I conquer the Clipper City.

The last beer on the taps is a Guinness.  Like a horse to the barn, I'm feeling that last burst of extra energy.  I CAN DO THIS!  I CAN WIN MY CRAPPY T SHIRT!  I take a sip. My friend, who hasn't taken a sip of water and frankly seems bored at this point, asks the bartender to bring him the liquor to make his last guinness an irish car bomb.  I die a bit inside.

I have never been so happy to get a crappy tshirt (which for reasons known only to the alcohol, I requested in a size way too large for me so I can never even wear it) and have never worked so hard for one.  What do two people do after winning the tap dance?  Sit around the bar and drink miller lite for another three hours.  With two months between me and the day after hangover, I can now say that, all and all, it wasn't a bad way to spend a Saturday afternoon.